After Breaking Off the Engagement, I Started Pursuing My Master-Chapter 121 - Let me think

Chapter 121: Let me think

“Which shop did you buy the snacks from when you were a child?”

He wouldn’t be upset if Luo Yueguan said his cooking wasn’t good, but if she said someone else’s cooking was better than his, he would feel a bit down.

“I don’t remember,” Luo Yueguan huffed.

“So you only remember that it was delicious?”

“Yes, I still remember it now. One morning, I secretly stole money from my mother’s cabinet and went to the shop by myself to buy freshly steamed glutinous rice cakes. I sat on the street corner and ate so many, I was too full to walk.”

“And then you got scolded by your mother when you went back?” Jiang Huai followed up on her story.

Luo Yueguan thought seriously for a moment, “After eating, I didn’t dare to go back, so I just wandered around the streets by myself. Then I saw many interesting and delicious things and spent a lot of money. I didn’t want to go back, but in the end, I realized I had nowhere else to go. Late at night, I returned home, and when my mother saw me, she first held me and cried for a long time.”

“And then she forgave you?”

“Then she beat me half to death.”

Luo Yueguan suddenly laughed, “She later spent money to hire a doctor for me, and the cost of boiling medicine was much more than those glutinous rice cakes, even spending all her savings and going to the mansion of a local wealthy man alone. That rich man liked to torment women, and although he had previously offered a large sum of money, she, being a top courtesan, had never spared him a glance. That day when she came back, she was covered in scars, and she used all the money she had saved to buy me a Healing Pill that contained a bit of spiritual medicine, which saved my life.”

Jiang Huai was speechless for a moment.

“After that, she was much more restrained when she hit me, mostly just biting and scratching me, not like that day when she banged my head against the cabinet.”

Luo Yueguan stretched out her hand and picked up a piece of glutinous rice cake from Jiang Huai’s hand, curiously looking at the jams.

“What’s this?”

“Jam, this one is blueberry flavored, this one is pineapple flavored...”

Jiang Huai introduced them one by one, so Luo Yueguan happily pinched the glutinous rice cakes and tried each one. After finishing everything on the plate, she suddenly laughed.

“You’re so easily softened.”

“What?”

“Just now, you clearly looked very angry, but as soon as I mentioned some sad past, it seemed like you started to pity me, and you weren’t angry anymore.”

“It’s not pity,” Jiang Huai shook his head.

“I just feel sorry for you.”

“Is there a difference?”

Jiang Huai magically produced another plate of glutinous rice cakes and placed it in front of Luo Yueguan, along with a bowl of sweet soup made from ground soybeans, which was actually soy milk, to which Jiang Huai had added some dates and longan.

“I’ve always quietly resented in my heart, wondering why you obviously can’t teach Qingyu well... but now I think about it, it actually seems reasonable,” Jiang Huai said softly.

If she had never been properly loved in her childhood, how could she love her own daughter correctly?

If she had truly reconciled with her past self, it would be fine, but Luo Yueguan didn’t seem to have completely let go.

“The original purpose of giving birth to Qingyu... wasn’t because I wanted a daughter.”

Luo Yueguan’s eyes suddenly deepened, she gazed at Jiang Huai in front of her, yet she didn’t know whether she should tell him this.

When she first gave birth to Luo Qingyu, she only thought about transferring her inner demon to Luo Qingyu’s body when it acted up and then killing her. But as Luo Qingyu grew up, and she watched the tender girl softly calling her “mother,” she began to soften and severed the magical imprint she had left in Luo Qingyu’s body. From then on, she had no way out.

“What was it for?” Jiang Huai asked knowingly.

He actually knew as the system’s task prompts had mentioned the real reason why Luo Yueguan ‘created’ Luo Qingyu.

“Because I wanted to wait until the day when I couldn’t control my inner demon, then transfer it to her and kill her.”

Luo Yueguan no longer hid it, her voice was cold, but her eyes couldn’t help but quietly look at Jiang Huai, expecting his reaction, and the other hand under the blanket unconsciously clenched her skirt.

But Jiang Huai just looked at her innocently.

“And then?”

“I gave up,” Luo Yueguan turned her face away.

What a letdown, she thought he would show a face full of disgust.

“I’ve always felt that what matters the most is not what you think but what you do,” Jiang Huai said as he brought a piece of glutinous rice cake to his mouth.

“As long as you now treat Qingyu as your own daughter, it’s actually not a big deal.”

“But speaking of which, Aunt Luo, have you ever thought about why you have an inner demon?” Jiang Huai’s tone became a bit more serious.

“I’ve thought about it.”

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“And the reason?”

“It’s unclear, maybe I’m too greedy, wanting everything, or maybe too obsessive, but always saying one thing and doing another.”

“What does it look like when the inner demon acts up?”

“There will be a voice incessantly whispering in my ear, sometimes there will be a reverse flow of spiritual energy scorching my heart, having nightmares, and in the most severe cases, losing control for a period of time, being possessed by the inner demon, leaving a mess behind.”

Jiang Huai nodded thoughtfully.

Although the path of cultivation is very mystical, in his view, the inner demon is more like a mental split caused by deep obsessions. Humans are interesting creatures, they can create a virtual friend in their minds through years of fantasy and continuous self-deception. Instead of being too greedy, Jiang Huai was more inclined to think it was loneliness or perhaps self-loathing.

As long as one is human, it’s ultimately hard to abandon desires and the community, to seek recognition and fear loneliness.

“Have you ever guessed that the appearance of the inner demon is because of your childhood experiences?”

“My childhood... experiences?” Luo Yueguan was taken aback.

“Do you think your mother ever loved you?” Jiang Huai asked softly.

Luo Yueguan scoffed, “She only gave birth to me to tie down that man, and after he abandoned her, she vented all her resentment on me. Has she ever truly loved me?”

“Do you really think so?”

Jiang Huai’s question suddenly made Luo Yueguan feel an inexplicable irritation, and she couldn’t pinpoint the reason. Following Jiang Huai’s words, she thought back and suddenly remembered when she was very young, lying on the sickbed, watching that woman with a pale face and covered in scars, yet smiling with a hint of madness, feeding her that pill, kowtowing in front of the deity statue to atone for her sins, praying to the heavens for her to get well quickly.

But the person who beat me to this state is you, and now the person hoping I won’t die... is also you.

If you hate me so much, why not just kill me?

“What are you trying to say?” Luo Yueguan looked back at him.

“People are very complicated, and love and hate are often tied together. I’m not saying your mother was right, but what I mean is... the wrong person was her, not you. You never needed to wonder whether she really loved you at any moment. Those things are all in the past... there’s no need to think about them anymore, no need to mention them.”

“A little kid who hasn’t lived even twenty years is starting to educate his elders? I stopped caring about these things a long time ago, do I need you to teach me?”

Luo Yueguan extended her finger and hooked Jiang Huai’s chin, looking disdainfully at his face.

Jiang Huai just said softly.

“If Aunt Luo really doesn’t care, she wouldn’t repeatedly mention it to me inadvertently. It was all six hundred years ago, but it seems Aunt Luo remembers it very clearly, having mentioned it to me several times. I guess, I’m just guessing, maybe at that time you were always living in fear, which made your personality always anxious and suspicious. You always try to deny that your mother had even a shred of love for you, after all, it seems she was really never good to you... but I guess... there were some moments when she was good to you.”

“It’s precisely those one or two moments of kindness that would make you, as a child, overwhelmed with gratitude, trying to understand her difficulties, making you live so awkwardly. People are always contradictory and fickle, there are rarely absolutes in hate and love.”

“Shut up,” Luo Yueguan suddenly interrupted Jiang Huai.

Jiang Huai silently looked at her, and Luo Yueguan’s eyes seemed to flash with anger.

“Stop being so presumptuous here, you’re not qualified to tell me how to think and live!”

Jiang Huai remained silent.

He never liked to preach, no one has the right to tell others how to live. He just wanted to try to give Luo Yueguan some advice. It was only natural for Luo Yueguan not to listen, he had never experienced her pain, so of course, he had no right to stand high and tell Luo Yueguan what to do.

Luo Yueguan suddenly reached out and grabbed his neck.

Her hand was cold as ice, and as her palm tightened slightly, he already started to struggle for breath.

“Is this love?”

“Answer me! Is this considered love?”

Her other hand grabbed Jiang Huai’s arm, twisting red marks on his skin, her nails almost piercing into the flesh, her expression seemed to become a bit ferocious and mad.

“According to what you said, how is this not love? She’s always been like this to me since I was little, she only has hate for me... wishing I would just die!”

Jiang Huai’s throat became tight, and he tried hard to speak.

“If you really think so... why when you mention those past events... do your eyes always... look so complicated... what I mean is... no matter whether she loved or hated you in the past... it has nothing to do with you now... stop thinking about these things...”

Luo Yueguan’s grip tightened, and Jiang Huai had the illusion that in the next second his neck would be twisted off, his soul departing. With the last bit of voice he could muster, he asked softly.

“You haven’t told me... what happened later... after a few years of cultivation... you must have seen your mother again... when you saw your mother again... did you kill her...?”

Luo Yueguan suddenly froze, her hand on Jiang Huai’s neck losing strength.

Jiang Huai finally managed to breathe deeply, he looked down at the red marks on his neck, but when he looked at Luo Yueguan’s eyes, there was no anger, he just looked at her, waiting for her next answer.

“Later... I killed her, no... that’s not right... I can’t remember... let me think... let me think carefully...”