Defensive Magic-Chapter 33: Held and Howling

WINTER TERM - January 22nd (Continued)

I went back to my room after the talk with Blackclaw and stewed over it probably longer than I should have. While I was out Whisper had had another accident, so there was inevitable training, and then I had to take him out again for yet another pee run. Aisling doesn't have to put up with housebreaking her familiar, yet I do? Just more shit I hadn't expected... I'll manage.

I missed dinner. Hadn't meant to. But it was obvious when they all showed up at once after dinner, too many hands banging on the door at once.

"I want to see the puppy!" Aisling shouted through the door. She loved Whisper about as much as Aries did.

I grabbed Whisper. He was still small enough I could pick him up as a means of keeping him from making a break for the open door. "It's unlocked," I called back. "I've got the dog."

The door swung in.

"He's not a dog, Zeph. He's your familiar," Aisling said. She took him from me, a little too heavy in her arms, and kissed the top of his big square head. Whisper barked and tried as he might to lick her face.

"I don't know how you stand it," Noodle muttered. "He still reeks of hell." Noodle was already making himself at home on one of the arm chairs in my room, a good distance from Whisper.

"But Zeph washed him!" Aisling argued. They'd had this debate before. Noodle was technically right. Whisper had this strong undercurrent of sulfur when he first showed up that I mostly managed to scrub away, but my nose wasn't nearly as sensitive as his was. It didn't matter. I could let them bicker over him off to the side. Aries was trying to get my attention, crowding a little close. "You alright, dude? You missed dinner. Blackclaw wasn't that much of an ass, was he?"

"No," I said. What was I meant to say about all this? I was still reaching for the words when Aries pulled me into a kiss, open-mouthed and wanting. His tongue in my mouth, tasting like rosemary chicken. It bothered me less than it should, maybe I do love him. Even though choosing him feels like a choice I never actually made.

"Get a room," Aisling sniped. Her tone was just pointed enough to make Aries turn a little pink as he pulled away, all smiles.

"See how you like it if Aisling and I do that to you guys," Noodle said.

Aries laughed. "You wouldn't."

It was enough of a test that Aisling set Whisper down and crossed the room to Noodle, stroked his gold furred head and leaned in close. Noodle opened his maw, tongue lolling. And she wasn't backing away...

"Point proven!" Aries croaked.

Aisling laughed. She planted a quick kiss on Noodle's mouth and he shot her a wink, teasing. There was nothing there, I knew that. It was Aisling. She loved Noodle the same way she loved me and I was pretty sure he felt the same. I had a creeping suspicion they'd also made out during the Masquerade. They were a little too comfortable with each other. But I didn't mind. It was nice that Aisling had a friend outside of just me.

She and Noodle went back to tossing around a balled up pair of my socks Whisper had been using as a chew toy. In a couple quick flashes, I caught Whim on the back of Aisling's chair, wings raised in alarm, eyes wide, watching Whisper with intent curiosity. Aisling suspected it might take a few weeks for Whisper and Whim to warm to each other but she was determined it would happen eventually.

"You ever think it's weird that you're a werewolf with a doggie familiar?" Noodle asked. By then, Aries and I had settled into the couch. I had an arm around him, which I had deemed the appropriate amount of affectionate contact in front of friends, even as he was doing what he could to cling to my side, the bristle of his scruff rubbing into my shoulder through my shirt.

I sorta stumbled at the question. "I guess hellhounds mean something to Orendell, so it makes sense, but I really hadn't thought too much about it. Why?"

Noodle cocked his head. I thought of what he'd said back when we were buying masks- that he wasn't just someone's pet. "You turn into a dog once a month. Or, uh, more of a dog, anyway."

I didn't really have an answer. Luckily Aisling stepped in. "Have you ever thought about summoning a familiar, Noodle?"

"No," he said flatly. "Is it so wrong I want someone to pet me and not the other way around?"

That got me. I probably laughed harder than I should have. At least it was met by Aries and Aisling rubbing at his cheeks and head in a way that sent his tail wagging wildly. Just enough of a change that Whisper, apparently too left out, needed to chomp at Noodle's tail.

Noodle yelped. "Puppy teeth!"

I wrenched Whisper back, chiding him gently. It was getting to be a good night. And one in my room, no less. We generally gathered in Aries's room or some other place around the campus. I'm trying not to dwell. It makes the rest feel worse somehow. Like how did I get here?

Aisling and Noodle left, and Aries lingered. He was lying on the floor next to Whisper, who'd fallen asleep to Aries stroking his belly. I still had the whole conversation with Blackclaw on my mind. The whole thing hurt, had been hurting. Whisper was asleep but the wolf in my head was whining.

"There was something I'd hoped to talk to you about if that's alright," I said. If he'd said no, it could wait until tomorrow. Or the next day. It didn't really need to happen immediately.

But he said, "There was something I wanted to talk to you about too actually." And that was worse. Shit. That was the answer I didn't want.

I could only think of the way he'd kissed me earlier- open, blatant, a little desperate. There was no world where we were on the same page. Not after what Blackclaw had said. Fuck.

I sat down on the side of my bed. He followed me there. Another mistake already. I needed to spit it out.

"I want us to slow things down."

Aries's face was too close to mine. He was still smiling. Eyes searching my expression, did he think I was kidding? That was worse.

"What?"

"I mean this... us. Don't you think it's a little fast?" How did anyone ever talk about these things? I was already failing. Aries blinked. His eyes were wide. He was still holding his breath.

"What the hell are you talking about, Zeph?" He sucked in a terse breath. I could imagine him hitting me this time around instead of his bedroom wall.

"I like you, Aries, but come on," I said. "You're a prince from Fel, where do you even really see this going, anyway?" I didn't really believe a word of that but I was exactly the problem here, right?

"You got one look at Stellan's ass and you're ready to call it quits?" Aries said. It was such a tired argument at this point it wasn't worth humoring.

I rolled my eyes. "You know that's not it, Aries. I like you."

"Then why the fuck are you breaking up with me?!" He was loud enough, I couldn't imagine the rest of the hall hadn't heard him. But for as loud as he was, there was also a quiver in his voice that fucking hurt.

"I'm not breaking up with you," I said, softer now. I was trying to get him to take the hint and lower the volume. The shouting was enough to wake Whisper already, who stared up at us with silent interest. "Blackclaw had said-"

"This is what you talked about with Blackclaw?" I hadn't expected it but, that was the thing to break the dam for Aries. He wiped his cheeks quickly, obviously furious, but there was no hiding the fact that he was crying. His brown eyes turned bloodshot.

I reached for him, but he tore himself away. I was the cause, not comfort. I had to use my words. It was all I had left, even as the wolf in my head was howling its pain.

"I've only been a werewolf for a few months," I said. "I was getting used to the idea of a boyfriend, but a mate? It's a lot. I'm not saying never, I just... I'm not being ridiculous, am I?"

Aries sniffled. "What the hell did you and Blackclaw talk about?" His tone was too flat for me to get a read on it. I couldn't guess at where any of this was going.

"He thinks I'm dangerous. Or potentially dangerous. And he's got a point. You have to see that for what it is. I can hardly control basic shifting on a regular basis. And on top of that, a seer said you'd die from a werewolf bite for fuck's sake." I was rambling. Or starting to. The reasons he shouldn't be with me just kept piling up. I'm a shit boyfriend for one. Can't talk about any of this stuff. I can be an ass. He shouldn't want me. I ran my hands up into my hair, pulled at the root, hard enough to hurt.

Eventually he cut me off. "So, I'm your mate? Blackclaw said that?" His voice was still shaky. He was trying very hard to catch his breath. But for a quick flash, I caught the quirk of a smile.

I was screwing this all up.

"Blackclaw knows fuck all about werewolves, remember?" Aries whispered, suddenly sounding tired. His lips grazed the shell of my ear.

I flinched back involuntarily. Not from Aries. At the ghost of another set of lips haunting me still.

"Tell me then," I said. Fix this, I wanted to say. But that was too much to ask for. I couldn't even look at him.

Aries gulped, sniffled. When he spoke, I could hear the force of will behind it. He was trying. "I feel like you all make it out to be this big thing. In Nizari, you've got all these overcomplicated relationships. You're committed to one person but sleep with- whatever. I'm trying not to judge. Wolves don't make a distinction between all the relationship stages. You're either something or you're not."

I sat with his explanation for a minute. It wasn't exactly comforting. Though it seemed to be a comfort to him. He leaned into me, head heavy on my shoulder, as though this weren't the very thing I'd been pushing back against.

"You're saying he's right?" I asked.

"I'm saying it doesn't fucking matter. It means your wolf is aware that we've fucked. I wanna talk about that other thing you said."

"What?" I asked.

"Did you mean it when you said I'm your boyfriend?"

There was a lump in my throat and Aries looked as though he was on the brink of breaking all over again. Even if he had basically stopped listening at the mention of boyfriend.

"I really don't want to hurt you, Aries," I said.

"I love you so fucking much," he said. "You know that?"

I did. Or at least I did now. His cheeks were wet again. Maybe they never fully dried.

I could have said it then. Maybe I should have. Saying it would doom us both. Instead I pulled him up against my chest. I didn't try to kiss him, just held him there, until the pace of his breathing slowed and steadied.

"I'm not saying no," I said. "I'm just asking for a little space, Aries."

"You think you're such a monster. That you're dangerous. It's such bullshit," he said.

"And you wonder why I worry."