Heretical Fishing-Chapter 68Book 4: : Hitchhiking Riffraff

When I arrived back in my body, not a second had passed. The soft colors of predawn called out to me, and a small wave crashed against the shore. Both were usually sources of bliss, but as I spied the mini Cthulhu perched in the shallows, his memories settled in the forefront of my mind, banishing any hope of peaceful thoughts.

But then a source of joy arrived, taking the edge off my sorrow. Corporal Claws, her body both wreathed by and made of lightning, slammed into the kraken at full speed. She latched onto him with all four of her limbs, threw her head to the sky, and bawled. Like bawled, bawled. Two liters of ice cream and a breakup bawled. A box of chocolates and a rom-com kinda bawl—

Hey! she scream-chirped at me, giving me her best glare. You made your point!

Picking up right where she left off, she threw her head back again, dual streams of electrical droplets pouring from her eyes. The raccoon’s torso flew from her pocket, and he joined her, gathering and hugging sections of malleable kraken skin to his face like they were trying to escape.

Had everyone seen the memories? I sent my senses out, half expecting to find an entire beach of depressed cultivators, but most were just confused. Only those bonded to me had witnessed it. One and all, they were holding themselves back, showing the restraint my otter and her raccoon lacked.

“Hey,” I said, “He Who Stares with Monsters or into the Void or whatever it was your masters liked calling you.”

Two abyssal eyes left Claws and drifted toward me, expression numb, sclera filled with frozen swirls of gray.

“Just giving you a heads-up that you’re about to get hugged, mate. Like . . . a lot.”

“Is that your way of seeking permission?”

“Hell no. If I asked, you could decline.”

Despite the knowledge weighing him down, one of his brows rose ever so slightly.

I sent out a mental command to all those connected to my soul, and the shore exploded with movement. Maria got there first. Slimes sacrificed his own impending arrival by extending from her back, then shooting himself into her. She struck just above Claws, her slight body already shaking with sobs. “You poor thing . . .”

Everyone else arrived within seconds, even Pistachio moving at an incredible clip, but only because he was still riding Teddy like a sapient suit of armor. The hug-inclined bear whined as he barreled into one of the kraken’s mighty limbs.

Over a dozen pairs of pelican wings stuck to him like flecks of statically charged lint. The roots of a mangrove grew around two tentacles. A tiny bunny let out a scream that was half war cry, half misery as she rocketed into him. A hellhound flickered between countless forms as he rubbed himself against the poor soul that had lost two pack mates. Rocky wasn’t bonded to me, but he still patted the kraken reassuringly. Then, he lit a cigarette and ate it after taking a single drag—which I guessed was his version of pouring one out for the homies.

Hundreds of bees—Bumblebro, Queen Bee, and every Buzzy Boy present—landed atop one tentacle and vibrated their wings in mourning. At the same time, myriad crustaceans hit his back, plinking like hail on a tin roof. When Snips arrived, she settled as far from me as possible, latching onto the rear of the kraken’s noggin. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t twist my knickers a little, but there were matters more pressing.

I turned to Barry, mouthed Trust me, then leaped and landed beside Maria, engulfing us all in a bubble of calming essence. I had expected to find a slimy body. Instead, the kraken’s skin reminded me of the soft underside of a velvety leaf. I snorted, suddenly realizing why the raccoon was bunching it up and smooshing it against his face.

One moment, lil Cthulhu had been alone on the shore, the next, we absolutely covered him.

“This . . .” came his rumbling voice. “Is appreciated. Thank you.”

“No wukkas, mate. I call it a cuddle puddle.”

“No . . . wukkas?”

He’d walked right into it. I grinned and looked at Maria, who was entirely unimpressed.

“Hellhound . . .” the kraken said before I could spring the trap. “Might I request a favor?”

Borks took a few steps back and sat on his haunches, letting out an affirmative bark.

“I believe I am not long for this world. I will be unmade soon, and I ask that when I depart, you give Cerberus my apologies. I owe him a debt, and I won’t be able to repay it.”

Borks’s head darted to me, his ears pinned, eyes wide, and lower teeth visible.

“Borks,” I said, “when you came to join us and offered up your memories, you recalled a particular brother a few times . . .”

His tail went between his legs.

“I can’t help but notice that you never showed us what he looked like. I don’t suppose he, I dunno, has three fracking heads?”

He turned to the side, the whites of his eyes showing as he tried to look anywhere but at me.

“Oh, come here, you scoundrel.” I scooped him up in a hand of solid light and drew him closer.

He transformed into a Chihuahua, rolled onto his back, and gave me his best demonic blehhh.

“Mate, that’s crazy! I get why you concealed it. I can’t believe you’re the brother of the Cerberus!”

His tail wagged slightly, unsure if I was serious—it was at least the third white lie I’d uncovered in so many days. I have him a good belly rub to hammer the message home. As Borks turned into a golden retriever and shifted, letting me get the spot he couldn’t reach, the kraken cleared his throat.

“Traveler Fischer. I—”

“Traveler Fischer . . .” I mused, cutting him off. “Why has no one called me that before? It has a nice twang to it—like I’m some kind of vagabond angler, wandering wherever the winds push and tides pull. Maria, write that down for later.”

“No.”

“Worth a crack. Carry on, then, my eldritch pal from the deep. You were saying?”

A slight hint of movement had returned to his sclera. He considered me for a long moment. “I was going to say that I was dismissive and condescending upon meeting you. I assumed there was no way you could be what you claimed. I was wrong. And in reply, all you have given me is kind—”

“Right. Lots of kindness and all that. I’m a pretty good bloke, huh?” His brow flinched, and I grinned. “Do my continual interruptions even the playing field?”

“. . . A little, yes.”

“Good, but I still gotta deny your request.”

The whirlpools in his eyes turned into countless gray dots. “I know that you have already shown me an unfathomable amount of grace, but you don’t—”

“Yes,” I interrupted again, waggling my eyebrows an audacious amount. “I do know what you were going to request. You’ve pointed out how you were a bit of a dick, and that I was the bloody good bloke I try to be. Next, you’ll ask that despite your impropriety, when your brother wakes up—” I nodded at the unconscious car-sized cuttlefish just chilling on Bob’s deck. “In your absence, you want me to tell him how sad and regretful you are.”

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The kraken, his body already so black only cultivators could gaze upon it, somehow got even darker. “I see. You are positive that you shall not assist in this manner? No other has the ability to show him direct memories . . .”

I could feel the hair-thin strands within him. Tiny needles of condensed abyssal chi, so numerous I couldn’t count them, were prepared to pull him apart. No matter how I answered, his oath would be forsaken—he would be unmade.

“My man, my animal pals are some of the silliest geese I’ve ever met, but you’ve got to be the king of them. And before you go unraveling like a frayed sweater—”

“Wonderful analogy!” came a voice filled with scorn.

I slowly spun, spotted Ruby, and gave a half-hearted smile. “Thank you, Rubes—”

“That’s Ruby to you. Nicknames are reserved for those who don’t teleport their friends halfway to Gormona!”

Those I had sent with her all gave me tight smiles—except for Steven, whose peaked brow told me I’d done this to myself.

Ruby crossed her arms. “I demand an apology!”

“You know what, Rubes? No! You’re pregnant, and I regret nothing!”

“Stop infantilizing me, you bastard!”

“Ruby!” I gestured with both hands at the black hole made manifest behind me. “I’m trying to tell this world’s version of Cthulhuthat he doesn’t have to die! Can you give me one fracking minute?”

She pouted, huffed, and rolled her eyes. “Fine.” Despite her expert concealment, a blind person could’ve spotted the smile attempting to break free of her tightened lips. “Hurry it up—I need to finish scolding you.”

“Sorry about that, mate,” I said to the kraken. “Pregnancy hormones are a—” I ducked the shoe that came sailing for my head. Unfortunately, that left a certain cephalopod in the line of fire.

Whap!

The heel struck him right in the dome, but he didn’t react in the slightest. His eyes whirled once more as he stared down at me. “You speak the truth?”

“That’s up to you, my ma—er, eldritch horror. A couple mates of mine helped me realize something about oaths and truths.” I scanned the crowd and shot Marcus and his husband a quick wink. “Far as I see it, such things are all about perspective.”

I’d expected a reaction, but not the one that came. His fury and anger were unleashed in great waves of abyssal power. Most of the cuddle puddle immediately retreated.

Other than myself, only Maria and Claws remained, the former radiating pulses of healing essence, the latter riding the kraken’s rippling skin like she was surfing. Oh, Teddy and his Pistachio armor, too, four ursine limbs wrapped about a tentacle writhing around ten meters above the shore.

The kraken paid everyone else no attention. “Are you insinuating, human, that I would forsake my duty?”

Noting how fast he dropped the polite honorifics from earlier, I cut to the chase. “My many-limbed brother, I ain’t insinuating shit. I’m flat-out telling you that your oath was dumb as heck, and that there’s a way to fulfill it without forsaking your duty, honor, or whatever else.”

His skin still rose and fell, but with reduced frequency. He looked toward the crowd. “Truthsay—”

“Well, well, well,” Theo interrupted. “Look who came craaawling back.”

“I, uh . . . I apologize?”

“For?” Theo demanded, enjoying himself entirely too much.

“For calling you a Falsesay—”

“Don’t!” Theo faced the heavens and pinched the bridge of his nose with dainty fingers. “Don’t say it again. My delicate sensibilities cannot handle hearing such a vulgar term twice in one day.”

The kraken, perhaps wondering if the juice was worth the squeeze, nodded. “May I request you confirm his words?”

“Which ones?”

“All that Traveler Fischer has just said . . .”

Theo sniffed. “I could choose to interpret that any number of ways, but I’ll take pity on you. Yes, Fischer was telling—”

“Traveler Fischer,” I corrected.

“Yeah, no. Not happening. I respect the attempt, though. Fischer was telling the truth. He believes that . . .”

I stopped listening, instead engaging in a swift yet exhaustive round of negotiations with a duo that would likely be designated a terrorist organization by anyone sensible. Finally, Claws and the raccoon both nodded and made twin oaths on their cores using the knowledge we’d gleaned from the kraken’s memories.

It was a drastic step, yet entirely necessary.

“. . . and that you can genuinely fulfill your oath,” Theo finished.

I’d not known mini Cthulhu for long, but based on the nebulous clouds of white in his eyes, I had a pretty good idea what he was feeling.

Hope.

Perfect timing, too. With the help of Theo, Ruby, and the chancla she’d turned into a projectile, we had wasted the necessary amount of time.

I nodded at Claws, and her grin grew downright devious. Countless little jolts of electricity arced from tooth to tooth. Then, she flew. It was odd to see her move without shooting thunderbolts from her hindquarters—she loved doing so—but her abstinence was pivotal.

She landed on the cuttlefish, struck a villainous pose by raising her chi-filled forepaws to the sky, then drove her chaotic essence into the kraken’s brother with an overhand strike. Her lightning swept his earthen aspect aside, opening up a ravine whose walls pressed in from both sides, wanting to expel her intrusion.

Another pair of paws plunged into the gaping gorge, and the raccoon’s digits tippy-tapped around within the soul of an ancient being. I’d never seen him so serious. So focused. After only moments, he froze, his concentration banished by a grin so wide and dastardly that my skin crawled.

His pudgy forelimbs tensed. He poured every drop of his kleptomaniacal chi into whatever he’d found. And he heaved.

Like an unworthy wielder trying to pull Excalibur from its stone, nothing happened for a few seconds, but then the slight bastard went full Super Saiyan. Waves and peaks of opaque force rose from his body, and a line of fur stood on end, giving him a cute little mohawk.

He screamed with the effort. The sound was quieter than I reckoned it should be, considering how much energy he was exerting. He and Claws were engaged in a war of wills against two parties. One was unconscious, yet still powerful. The other was relatively weak but had just reawakened, which was the reason I’d needed to stall.

I was ready to step in and lend my chi if necessary, but with one last increase of intent, Claws’s familiar won a battle against beings he had no right defeating. Serrated barbs retracted back into the weapon they’d sprouted from, the raccoon’s desire to steal overpowering the wills of gods.

A golden spear of divine light emerged from the kraken’s brother. The raccoon held it high overhead, and Claws grabbed him by the hips, parading her familiar—and his prize—around Bob’s deck with wordless chirps and trills.

I couldn’t help but share their sense of victory, but I whistled to get their attention all the same. “Don’t tempt yourselves . . .”

Though they both gave me a bruh expression, they knew I was right.

Claws turned away and flicked the raccoon over her shoulder, discarding him like the already-snacked-on shell of an oyster. When he landed on the ground next to me, he did the exact same thing to the golden weapon he held, shrugging despite his core demanding he snatch it back out of the air.

I yoinked it first, not giving him the opportunity. “You did great, Rocky Two.”

“Hey!” Maria and Claws yelled and chirped.

“No naming him!” the former added.

The latter’s offensive and colorful insult conveyed the same message.

I scratched the raccoon behind the ear, shot him a wink, then booted the devious little bastard when his paw reached out for the spear of its own accord. “Why? You’ll literally be unraveled!”

Tears of loss streamed in his wake as he flew back toward Claws, his vow waging a war with who he was at heart. Before he could reenter her core, the first oath they’d ever made dissolved, their duty fulfilled.

I gazed down at the foot-long spear in my hands. It was only a fraction of the size it had once been, but I could tell they were in there. I shook it and poked it with tendrils of pure essence.

“You two have exactly five seconds to come out, or I’m going to burn you away.”

There was no response.

“Four.”

“Uhhh,” Theo said. “He’s telling the truth, but . . .”

“But what?” I asked. “Also, three.”

He pointed down at the spear. “Who are you talking to . . .?”

“Just some hitchhiking riffraff.” They stirred, but remained inside. “Two.”

The weapon shook. One of them was trying to exit, and the other was fighting it.

Theo snorted. “So, that was a lie. Who are they, then?”

“One!” I said. “Last chance!”

A half second later, the spear split down the middle, and both halves flowed beside me onto the sand.

Ignoring the still-forming shapes, I turned to look at Theo. “Who are they?” I gave a casual shrug. “Oh, you know, just a couple of gods.”