Regressor Instruction Manual-Chapter 1166. Internal Stability (5)

‘How... how is he able to smile?’

“Thankfully... thankfully, it didn’t seem to have affected you, Mr. William. I was worried that you might’ve experienced something awful because of me...” Lee Ki-Young said.

‘How is this man able to act like nothing's wrong?’

“I’m really... glad. Thanks to you... I think the demon’s influence... has decreased,” he added.

An overwhelming sense of self-hatred and guilt consumed my mind.

I[1] felt like insects were gnawing away at my heart as I sat down on a chair while staring into space. I didn’t get any sleep last night, but I didn’t feel tired.

Perhaps it was because I was relieved about the fact that I managed to escape that hell, but I felt like I was finally able to relax after a long time. Of course, I wasn’t feeling comfortable. Although I was relieved, a part of my heart felt like it was rotting away.

‘I wonder how I looked like.’

I wondered how I looked in front of the one comforting me and saying that they were relieved to see that I hadn't experienced something awful. Actually, I couldn't even remember our conversation, so it’d be strange if I could remember what I looked like earlier.

Without realizing it, I turned and saw bottles of alcohol neatly arranged on the desk.

Half of them were empty, and the sight wasn't comforting at all.

It was something I used to love so much, but despite thinking that it would provide me with some comfort, the taste of alcohol was so bitter that I couldn’t stand it at all.

And that was when a thought popped into my head.

‘I wasn’t a strong person.’

I thought I had a strong will, but it turned out that my will was this weak.

I was a scummy human with no shame or pride in the face of death.

I was afraid.

I knew that I couldn't be acting like this, but I was afraid. The endless pain, the fear of death, and the fact that I would have to spend time in the neverending nightmare was unimaginably painful.

That was why it was hard for me to understand...

‘How... how is he able to... smile like that?’

Was he not scared at all?

He was someone who broke down when others died, so how could he be so indifferent about his own death?

That was the key question.

Of course, I couldn’t understand it, as I thought I could overcome it as well.

I was determined not to kneel before a nightmare, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that it was impossible. My determination was completely destroyed in just two days, and it was to the point that I resented Lee Ki-Young.

My promise to fight together with him faded away with the painful deaths, and my sympathy turned into resentment.

At this rate, I was sure I’d really end up resenting him.

“Damn it...” I muttered.

I looked out the window, and my gaze was fixated on one person. I saw him being surrounded by soldiers and talking about various topics with them. It was a sight I saw every day. He cheered for the troops and prayed for those who were injured.

“The Goddess of Flower and Fertility is watching over us.”

He encouraged the fallen and fearful to help them rise and move forward together.

“I know it’s hard... but please don’t lose hope,” Lee Ki-Young said.

“Okay.”

“Humanity has not lost yet. If we combine our faith and strength, I’m confident we’ll be able to overcome this crisis together,” he added.

It seemed like a cliched line, but his words were different because he was sincere.

"Sincere" was the best word to describe Lee Ki-Young.

Everything about him was sincere, and everyone, including myself, was aware of that. He was the type of person who couldn’t fake anything, and he had been living a life with no falsehoods whatsoever.

Lee Ki-Young was sincere. He had never made any attempts to hide his innocence and clumsiness. He also wasn’t afraid of hiding his pain or fear.

He truly had faith—

“The Goddess of Flower and Fertility will not abandon us,” Lee Ki-Young said.

—that the Goddess of Flower and Fertility and the other gods wouldn’t abandon us.

“How could I not be scared? Just like all of you, I’m scared of all of this, but that’s why I believe this fight is important,” Lee Ki-Young added.

“...”

“I’m sure we can win,” Lee Ki-Young said.

—that we can win.

“Even if I die, I’m sure my death won’t be in vain,” he said.

—that his death will never be in vain.

When I came back to my senses, I noticed that I was crying.

I could see tears falling from my eyes, and they were being reflected on the window.

I had no idea that I had been drinking one bottle of liquor after another.

When I came back to my senses again, I realized that I was talking before him. I knew it looked bad to rely on alcohol for courage, but couldn’t muster any courage while sober, so I had no choice but to drink.

“What brings you here at this late hour?” Lee Ki-Young asked.

“Mr. Lee Ki-Young,” I said.

“Yes?”

“Aren’t you afraid?” I asked.

“I'm sorry? What are you saying all of a sudden... I don’t really understand... Mr. William. Are you okay?” he asked.

“Aren’t you... afraid of the nightmare?” I clarified.

“...”

“How... how are you able to smile?” I asked.

“...”

“How are you able to hold on to the thread of hope despite experiencing all that pain? Isn’t it difficult? The current situation... the enemies lurking outside are waiting to invade Saint Bell at any moment. Don't these situations... worry you?” I asked.

“Excuse me?” he asked.

“Why... why aren’t you blaming me? Why... when I ran away...” I questioned.

“What... are you saying...”

“You already know that I-I lied... I lied to run away from that nightmare... I’m sure you’re already aware of that,” I told him.

I didn’t even know what I was saying.

“Why did you trust me? Why didn’t you question me... and offer me comfort instead? I'm weak, so I don't know anything. I wanted to become stronger... but I couldn’t. I told you to rely on me as if I were someone worth relying on, but... I... I couldn’t endure it.

"I couldn’t endure... the nightmare. How... how is it that you can still smile despite knowing you’ll die hundreds of times today?” I asked.

It wasn’t like me to act this way.

I was drunk, but I acted like a child throwing a tantrum.

Despite knowing that my actions were wrong, I couldn’t stop at all. The figure before had to be surprised as well because he remained silent for a while.

Seeing him contemplating for a while made me think that he was searching for an answer.

“I-I’m not sure.”

“...”

I was sure he had never thought about it, and I understood why.

In some ways, it was a dumb question. He was just that type of person, so he probably never felt the need to think about it.

And that was when I heard the answer he had taken his time to think about...

Despite being drunk, his answer still caught me off guard.

“...”

“If I had to give you an answer, I think it’s because of faith.”

“Pardon?”

“True faith,” Lee Ki-Young said.

“...”

“I have faith that both humanity and I will be able to overcome this trial. Of course, it’s hard because there will be painful times, and there will be times when I will doubt myself, but I have faith. I know it's easier said than done, but I believe in the childish fairy tale that light will triumph one day,” Lee Ki-Young explained.

'Yeah, I already knew the answer. I probably just asked because I wanted to hear it directly from him.'

“...”

“I truly believe this story will end with, ‘Everyone lived happily ever after.’”

“That’s... absurd, isn’t it...” I asked.

“I’m not someone who can always smile calmly through pain and hardship, unlike what you think of me, Mr. William. Just like others, I feel pain, fear death, and grieve over pain,” Lee Ki-Young said.

“...”

“That might be the reason why I want to believe even more,” Lee Ki-Young added.

“...”

“Having that kind of faith helps it go away. My anxiety about tomorrow, my fear of the nightmare, and the suspicion of whether I’m walking down the right path or not. All of it goes away,” Lee Ki-Young said.

There was certainty in his eyes.

Rather than being seen as immature for believing that a story that only appeared in fairy tales would happen in real life, I could feel confidence from him. He had faith that the light wouldn’t go out, and he wouldn't let it go out.

I could tell that he truly believed in himself.

It was hard to explain it, but he seemed certain that his faith would never fade.

It was like he already knew that he would never give up, no matter the challenges or difficulties.

‘How is he able to think like that...’

I couldn’t stop questioning him because he was completely different from me, but I could feel what he was trying to say. It felt as though I had caught a glimpse of why he could smile, even in the midst of this nightmare.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to think like you...” I paused.

“...”

“But I want to believe as well,” I continued.

“Yes, I’m sure... you can do it,” Lee Ki-Young said.

“I want to believe... that everything will be resolved one day and that we’ll get the ‘Everyone lived happily ever after’ type of ending,” I said.

“Me, too.”

“I want to believe that I can overcome this hardship. No, I believe it,” I said with determination.

Believing in myself was important, and believing in what I had was important as well.

I had no idea when it started, but it felt like a lot of time had passed since I stopped believing in myself.

“I feel... kind of relieved,” Lee Ki-Young commented.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lee Ki-Young,” I said.

“No, it’s nothing you need to apologize for. You have no idea how relieved I am that you told me that. I was actually kind of scared,” Lee Ki-Young said.

“...”

“Thinking that I’ll be spending time alone in that place again,” Lee Ki-Young confessed.

“...”

“I feel kind of bad for telling you this, but thinking that there’s someone I can share my pain with... makes me feel reassured,” Lee Ki-Young continued.

“Haha...” I laughed.

“Of course, before that, you need to sober up...” Lee Ki-Young suggested.

“Yes, of course,” I said.

And...

‘Believe.’

The world of nightmares, now just one step away, appeared before me.

“This way, Mr. Lee Ki-Young,” I said.

“Okay.”

'Believe, believe in myself. If I can’t believe in myself, then believe in him.'

‘Let’s have faith that this will have the ‘Everyone lived happily ever after’ ending.’

***

— Oppa... when are you going to tell Will about your so-called terminal illness?

“Later, and that’s not something that should be forced. It should come out naturally,” I[2] answered.

1. William’s POV ☜

2. Lee Ki-Young’s POV ☜