I'm Not the Mastermind-Chapter 47

“There’s no need to apologize. That event is… a rather well-known story. The death of the Crown Princess in a political conflict and the young princess who witnessed it—it’s a truth many know but refrain from speaking about openly.”

“......”

“And yes, it’s necessary to face it. I’m aware that your demonic self takes advantage of this. It repeatedly shows me visions of my mother’s murder in my dreams. It knows how vulnerable I am to that memory better than anyone else. If I don’t overcome it… I can’t move forward…”

“Your Highness.”

Thump.

As Alicia spoke, her voice shaky and her expression fragile, Yujin placed a firm but gentle hand on her shoulder.

“...Ah.”

“Look at my eyes. Take a deep breath.”

When Alicia raised her eyes to meet Yujin’s, she noticed that his half-closed eyes were now fully open. Her gaze locked onto his ruby-like irises as she took a deep breath.

“...Hoo.”

As she exhaled, her expression visibly relaxed. Yujin spoke again.

“First of all, I apologize for poking at such a painful memory. And Your Highness, I’m not here to pressure you to overcome it immediately.”

“...What?”

Alicia blinked, her voice uncertain, prompting Yujin to clarify.

“Of course, it would be great if you could overcome it. But let’s be honest—it’s not something that happens just because you decide to do so.”

“......”

“But if you avoid it completely, it will only remain as a weakness. That’s why I wanted to have you confront it, even just once. Or rather… to be frank, I plan to make you confront it repeatedly in the future.”

Alicia’s lips quivered at those words. Yujin continued.

“My goal is to help you become accustomed to it someday. At the very least, I want to help you face it without breaking down. Whether or not that counts as overcoming it, I don’t know. But I’ll ensure you can adapt to it.”

“...Do you think that’s possible?”

“...Let me tell you a story about myself.”

Yujin shifted the focus to himself, speaking calmly.

“When I was about twelve, I lost my parents.”

“...!”

Alicia’s eyes widened in shock at the sudden and unexpected revelation.

“They both died from a type of epidemic. I was the only one who survived. To this day, I can vividly recall the image of my parents dying on their deathbeds.”

“......”

"Though much time has passed… that day remains a painful memory for me."

Yujin spoke as though releasing a long-held sigh, his words carrying a weight as if he were reflecting aloud, not necessarily speaking to Alicia. He continued, his voice calm yet tinged with the echoes of his own pain.

"Because of that, there was a time when I thought I was the most unfortunate person in the world. It couldn’t be helped. Losing both parents at an age when I was still supposed to be growing up under their care... It was overwhelming to survive alone, and there were moments when I considered following them out of despair."

“......”

"And yet… here I am, still alive. Do you know why?"

Alicia hesitated, her lips parting slightly before closing again. After a brief pause, she spoke.

"Because… you’re strong, Professor?"

"Haha, is that what you thought?"

Yujin chuckled and shook his head, dismissing the idea.

"Unfortunately, that’s not the case. In fact, I don’t particularly like myself. I often regard myself as if I’m someone else. I don’t love myself enough to speak casually to myself—even my inner thoughts are formal, as though I’m addressing a stranger."

“......”

"Someone who doesn’t love themselves… could hardly be considered strong. How could someone like that muster the resolve to endure pain and sorrow, let alone find the strength to move forward? That’s not strength."

“...Then, why…?”

"Because I’m still wandering. Even now."

“......”

"I don’t know what to do, how to live, or even if I should keep living. I have things I want to do, sure, but if you asked if those were reasons to keep going, I’d have to say no."

Yujin smiled faintly, a wry, self-deprecating smile.

"I’m still wandering, still wrestling with doubts. That endless wandering and doubt are what keep me alive."

“......”

"I haven’t overcome anything. Sometimes, I dream about sitting at the table, laughing and eating with my parents. Waking from those dreams hurts, but that pain and sorrow have become my compass and my companions through my endless wandering. They’re not something I can sever, nor something I even want to sever. I’ll likely carry them for the rest of my life."

“......”

"Your Highness,"

Yujin looked directly into Alicia’s eyes.

Have you ever had a conversation while locking eyes with someone who has only one?

For Yujin, it wasn’t an unfamiliar experience. His volunteer work and his time as an awakened one had occasionally brought him into contact with people with physical disabilities.

Even so, it felt different to look into one eye rather than two. The field of vision seemed narrower, as if something was missing. That narrowing focus brought a strange weight to his thoughts, filling his mind with unnecessary reflections.

Perhaps that’s why, as he looked at Alicia, trivial thoughts crept into his mind.

"Your Highness, continue to wander."

“......”

"It’s fine to lose your way. It’s fine to be overwhelmed by pain and sorrow. Whether you see them as companions, as guideposts, or even as the source of your struggles… it doesn’t matter. Once you grow accustomed to them, you’ll find that you can continue living, at least until your wandering ends. Wandering and doubt—they may feel like a curse, but for those who live, they’re also a kind of blessing."

Yujin gave a bittersweet smile as he finished.

"I’m sorry I can’t offer better advice. But when it comes to matters like this, I can’t bring myself to speak hollow words of comfort. This is the only truth I can share with you."

As he said this, Yujin withdrew the hand resting on Alicia’s shoulder.

Whoosh!

"!"

Yujin blinked in surprise. What had just happened was completely unexpected.

"Your Highness?"

Alicia had suddenly thrown her arms around his neck, pulling him into an embrace. It had happened so abruptly that, despite his quick reactions, he found himself frozen for a moment, blinking blankly.

Her hair carried the soft scent of lilies, her subtle fragrance warm and comforting rather than overwhelming.

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But Yujin couldn’t help but feel bewildered. Why had she done this so suddenly?

"Ah, ah…!"

Realizing what she had done, Alicia quickly pulled back, her face and the corners of her eyes flushed red.

"I-I’m so sorry, Professor! I didn’t mean to…"

"It’s alright; you don’t need to apologize. But why did you do that all of a sudden? It could easily lead to misunderstandings."

Yujin, after all, was still a man. For a princess of the empire to embrace a man so openly was a dangerous action, fraught with the potential for scandal.

It was fortunate that Yujin had no ulterior motives. If it had been someone else, the situation could have escalated dramatically.

"T-that’s…"

Alicia stammered, her face growing even redder as she glanced at him with slightly teary eyes.

"I just… couldn’t hold myself back…"

“......”

What exactly had been so hard for her to hold back? Yujin had no way of knowing, but seeing her expression, he decided not to pry further.

"I see… Well, I understand."

Though he didn’t entirely get it, Yujin nodded and took a step back.

『...How dare that shameless girl.』

Tiamat’s grumbling echoed faintly in his mind, but Yujin chose to ignore it for now. Though in the back of his mind, he was already thinking about how to placate her later.

Yujin turned to Alicia again.

"Your Highness, I know it must be difficult, but could you share your story with me?"

"…Alright."

And thus, Alicia began to tell her story.